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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

~*Enlightened By Darkness*~ Editorial Pitch to Publisher

I'm working on a two-paragraph blurb that will be an editorial pitch for a publishing company.  I have been reading and following the guidelines suggested on their forums. I'm wondering if I need to tighten up my paragraphs a bit more.  I've already revised the blurb several times.  Of a blurb they say, "The easiest way to define it, is to look at the back cover of a book." I'm placing it here because I've already posted the story.   

I'D APPRECIATE ANY FEEDBACK AND/OR COMMENTS YOU HAVE TO OFFER. 

~~~~

Gwyn, an elementary school teacher with a passion for all things vampire and paranormal, is about to be plunged into her secret fantasy and darkest nightmare.  Paralyzed from the waist down, she uses a wheelchair to aid in her mobility. Lost in the darkness of a defeatist attitude, Gwyn believes her limitations hold her back from enjoying a full life. One night as she is leaving work, she is accosted by a dark and mysterious stranger. This man is not what he seems and exudes an aura of danger and excitement, something which has been lacking in Gwyn's life. Intent on keeping her safe from harm, this stranger spirits her away (chair and all) and promises her Sanctuary.

Ciernan, a vampyre who loathes humans and their weaknesses is haunted by the grief of his past and bound to an accursed brother. Their fates are inexplicably woven together by the same tragedy. In rescuing Gwyn, he is forced to face his past and reevaluate his existence. This brings an old enemy to the surface. The vampyress who created him has been lurking in the shadows, waiting for someone to fall victim to his charms. Gwyn represents a chance for her the vampyress to exact her revenge on Ciernan and destroy all he holds dear. But both find an equal in Gwyn which they never anticipated. Ciernan must decide whether a human woman is worth the risk of his protection and love. Can Gwyn overcome her challenges and trust Ciernan enough to give herself over to him completely? Together, they must fight the dark forces which seek to tear them apart.

OR is this better?

Ciernan must decide whether a human woman is worth the risk of his protection. Can his frozen heart love again? Will Gwyn be able to overcome her challenges and trust Ciernan enough to give herself over to him completely?
~~~


EDITED:

Gwyn, an elementary school teacher with a passion for all things vampire and paranormal, is about to be plunged into her secret fantasy and darkest nightmare. Paralyzed from the waist down, Gwyn believes her wheelchair holds her back from enjoying a full life. But it is her defeatist attitude which keeps her in darkness. One night as she is leaving work, she is accosted by a dark and mysterious stranger. This man is not what he seems and exudes an aura of danger and excitement, something which has been lacking in Gwyn's life. Intent on keeping her safe from harm, this stranger spirits her away (chair and all) and promises her Sanctuary.

Ciernan, a vampyre who loathes humans and their weaknesses is haunted by the grief of his past and bound to an accursed brother. The brothers' fates are inexplicably woven together by the same tragedy: a tragedy that is about to come full circle as Gwyn enters both of their lives; forcing Ciernan to face the demons of his past and reevaluate his existence. This brings an old enemy to the surface. The vampyress who created him has been lurking in the shadows, waiting for someone to fall victim to his charms. Gwyn represents a chance for her the vampyress to exact her revenge on Ciernan and destroy all he holds dear. But both find an equal in Gwyn which they never anticipated. Ciernan must decide whether a human woman is worth the risk of his protection. Can his frozen heart love again? Will Gwyn be able to overcome her challenges and trust Ciernan enough to give herself over to him completely? Together, they must fight the dark forces which seek to tear them apart.

~~~~
Thanks so much! 

~Luna

4 comments:

Raven said...

I like the second one best

~Raven Fox~

LunaEllaAldora said...

*waves* Hi Ravenfox, welcome to the Blog. :)

Thank you for your input. I also changed a few other parts. I feel the second one is stronger, but wasn't sure if too wordy. I'm going to post the revision.

Let me know what you think?

~Luna

Lucy V Morgan said...

Ooh. Right. I would strip that right down and go with:

Paralyzed from the waist down, Gwyn uses a wheelchair to aid in her mobility. Lost in the darkness of a defeatist attitude, Gwyn believes her limitations hold her back from enjoying a full life. But one night, she is accosted by a dark and mysterious stranger. Intent on keeping her safe from harm, he spirits her away (chair and all) and promises her Sanctuary.

Ciernan, a vampyre who loathes humans and their weaknesses is bound to an accursed brother. In rescuing Gwyn, he is forced to face his past and reevaluate his existence. But thee vampyress who created him has been lurking in the shadows, waiting for someone to fall victim to his charms...

LunaEllaAldora said...

Hi Lucy. Good to see you! I like that and it definitely strips it down.

Going by what you suggested and what the guidelines want:

Paralyzed from the waist down, school teacher Gwyn uses a wheelchair to aid in her mobility. Lost in the darkness of a defeatist attitude, Gwyn believes her limitations hold her back from enjoying a full life. But one night, she is accosted by a dark and mysterious stranger. Intent on keeping her safe from harm, he spirits her away (chair and all) and promises her Sanctuary.

Ciernan, a vampyre who loathes humans and their weaknesses is bound to an accursed brother. In rescuing Gwyn, he is forced to face his past and reevaluate his existence. But the vampyress who created him has been lurking in the shadows, waiting for someone to fall victim to his charms... Will Gwyn be able to trust Ciernan enough to give herself over to him completely? Does Ciernan's frozen heart even have the capability to love? Together, they must fight the dark forces (within and without) which seek to tear them apart.


Do you think we need to know more about his brother in the blurb? Or just to know that he is connected to him and his past, is enough for editors?

Thanks, I appreciate your help. I knew you would have some ideas for me. Hear anything back, yet? :)

~Luna